It’s been a while.
A few things have changed that have required my time.
New “promotion” at work has kept me busy. This has led to A LOT of reflecting lately. Sometimes it’s hard to type and reflect at the same time. Kinda of like texting-and-driving. Of course if you are one person I know, texting-and-driving can lead to a time of reflection on whether “that was a good idea” or not. Moving right along…
Ever scratched your head before, looked skyward, and wondered, “YOU SURE?” I have been having a lot of those moments in the past few weeks. And, honestly, it’s not because I don’t trust Him. Just wondering. That’s all. But is wondering really ok?
I was spending some time in meditation the other day…well, I say meditation, but it wasn’t really. I was….reflecting. I came across 1 Corinthians 4:4 which says:
“My conscience is clear, but that doesn’t prove me right. It is the Lord who will examine me and decide.” (NLT)
This scripture literally blew me away. Clearly a WMD directed at my pride. You see, I must be right. It’s a desire. A need…an obsession. Some people might take that the wrong way…like I want to prove the world wrong…be better than all of them. If you have read any of my previous blogs, hopefully you’ll understand this is not the case. But it’s still a matter of pride nonetheless. The more you think you are right, the less likely you are to depend on God. This is my greatest weakness. I believe everything in his Word is truth. It just seems I believe in my own ability more than His at times. Of course, this leaves me with the results of my ability as well. Not always enjoyable. Thank God for his mercy.
Depending on how much you know about me, I work in property management. It’s nothing glamorous. It pays the bills. The company I work for is sizeable, and we manage a lot of multi-family communities where I live. I am one of our property managers, meaning I am responsible for the day-to-day ops of the community, the financials, etc. Until recently, I had been working at a property that was awesome. Great staff, quiet community, guaranteed bonuses, etc. About 6 weeks ago I was moved to another, larger community. This would typically be the equivalent of a sideways “promotion.” In this case, however, couldn’t be further from the case.
The place is a mess. Multiple resident issues, property issues, file issues…you name it. Pick something to be wrong, and it is. I was livid. Luckily, a couple of days later I went on vacation and got to forget about it. It could not have come at a better time. It allowed me to calm down, rejuvenate, and come back with some perspective. Despite of all this, I was sure this job was the direct result of one of two things:
a) The devil is trying kill me.
b) God is making me uncomfortable so that I’ll seek his will for my life.
Looking at it now, it sounds ridiculous. But that’s what I thought. There wasn’t any logical reason in my head as to how any of this could turn out to be good. I was frustrated. I was taking it out on my staff, and on my family. Something had to give. Immediately.
I fasted. I don’t know what your thoughts on fasting are, but for me, it seems to help. I spent some time in worship (probably not enough) and prayer (definitely not enough) and felt better. Nothing had changed. The circumstances were all the same. But I had more peace than I had before the fasting began. Then at church, it seemed like every message my pastor would preach was somehow related to my current situation. As time went on, despite my complaining, I couldn’t convince myself that quitting was the right thing, or that the place was evil at all. Part of me was like, “Seriously Michael. You want to accomplish what for God? And you can’t deal with this?” or “If any place needs Jesus, this place is it. You can’t leave yet.”
Each day that passes, some sort of plan, some sort of reality, reveals itself a bit more. I don’t have the whole picture. I don’t think I even have all the pieces. All I know is what I know. I’m still looking at the sky and questioning. But this time it’s….“HOW?”