This isn’t a bad thing. And to give peace to those who have known me in my past, don’t worry…I’m not flaking out. I am in a very real place in my life, decidedly wanting more, yet unsure of how it is all going to happen. I’m being honest…maybe more than I have ever been.
It has become abundantly clear over the past few weeks everything I believe to be truth has not been working in my personal life. I suppose there are moments I can point to, but in general, there has been a disconnect between my head and my heart. It really is strange. I have no problem whatsoever believing God for anyone, for Him to accomplish anything on their behalf. Yet when I’m the one who needs a physical dispensation of His grace…
So I have come to this conclusion: question everything. Question me.
God’s Word is irrevocably true, and I know this to be so because I have witnessed it on many occasions. My eyes, my hands, my ears…they have all been company to some rather special moments in time when God’s spirit was poured out upon humanity, and everything was beautiful. No one can ever take these memories away from me. However, when I have needed God to do something…something I believe to be necessary to my existence…nothing. And because I have seen His outpouring in others, because I know Him to be “no respecter of persons”, this leads me to one end…I am the non-working component.
Maybe my senses are to blame. Maybe I have validated God’s existence and the working of His power through my physical senses. They have become the fail-safe to any outpouring of His grace, the proof that He is REAL, and that He does LOVE us. Today my prayer is different. My senses need to be irrelevant. All that matters is that God’s Word is truth. And this TRUTH should be my REALITY. When my reality is less real to me than my relationship with God…only then will I believe I’m on track.
So today I question everything. I question my knowledge. I question my understanding. I question my faith.
But I’m not scared…there is a solution.